I just don't think I am going to be capable of programming until 2048 or even 2012... or 2/10/2011.
I sat down and wrote on a piece of paper today. On the top of the paper I wrote "Programming". Then I started scrawling. The word that appeared a few times was "boredom".
This is not a healthy mindset for a 43 year old programmer (dinosaur).
After implementing an AbstractItemModelBoogaBoo on a DomDocumentPooPoo today --- I just wanted to fall off the chair and let drool drip out of my mouth on the Pergo... do tha fetal curl like Jim whatshisname, oh yeah, Baker... but that'd be too hysterical... this is just a blank stare.
Then I thought, "My gosh, how many more years of this?"
This morning I told Kim, "Kim, I was thinking I couldn't do this... and Kim I realized... I am thinking too far ahead... Kim, I just need to say, 'Today! Today, I will work on this.'"
I couldn't even make it a day today. I have *never* *ever* just stopped... and today I just was like, "Nah. I can't."
It's not that I don't care. It's just so boring.
It's not even depressing... like "Who's gonna use this? Asteroid? Woo hoo." It's just so non-stimulating.
And I was thinking that maybe I'm getting dumb... but it's not exactly the case... when I do other stuff I'm quick... I can do 6th grade math like nobody's business... and fishing... hiking... cleaning a backyard... taking care of the kids... catching the humor on Rockford... making a fire and burning brush... driving the car... doin' the blogger... cuttin' up with neighbors in conversation...
On my programming sheet I wrote "Shaders --- I should like this --- but it's tedious and boring."
My dad always had an answer for my boredom... and listen - hands down, I lived in a boring place --- especially in the summer.
So am I spoiled? This is a definite possibility.
Even making lots of money sounds boring... I mean if you have to do all those forms and talk and talk and talk and talk... Those guys that do that *deserve* the castles they live in. It's a lot of work and a lot just uuuuughh... Bless you, entrepreneurs, for adding what little spice there is to an otherwise empty enterprise.
Maybe if I had a big oil well --- where my job was just to count the money rolling in... that'd be pretty fun... Then I could go fishing after I counted all my money... and I wouldn't even spend it... I'd give it away as long as I knew that tomorrow everything would be taken care of.
For goodness sakes, I bet I have worked more worker lifetimes in my life already than a lot of people. I should be done! Am I?
I love working the 6th grade math problems, "Sally had a garden 15x20, 1/3 was for flowers..." Why don't people ask me these kinda questions??? I could nail down an answer and everybody would be happy then I could go home happy and it'd be done. Gee! That freaking genius solved Sally's garden problem because he knows ***fractions***. That'd be cool.
I have to program... and it's never ever finished... and it just goes on and on and on and on... and it's broken... or going to be broken... and to fix it you can't remember what it was... and you sit there and fumble for hours... day after day after day... like an ant cutting a steel ball the size of the earth in half with his paw prints as he treads for eternity on the "equatorial trail".
And the longer you do it the worse it is. You don't get better, you get worse... because you realize how messed up everything is that you've ever done and that it's pretty much hopeless to get anything right because the simplest things are already done and all that's left is stuff that's going to be broken in hundreds and hundreds of different ways... and besides..
This whole thing of "when you get older you lose your short term memory..." and the "young weanie programmers really rock" Well, I forgot what I was going to say in regards to that but I assure myself that it's because I'm just board. Come on, I'm not just *at* the prime of my life... I'm beyond that! I'm well into it. Diggin' deep.
PS: Many frozen dead fish in my fishing spots :(
4 comments:
1. Stop being so hard on yourself.
2. Why don't you teach 6th grade math? Jake would love having a teacher like you. There are so many kids in public schools without a good male influence. You could make a difference in someone's life.
I completely understand the need to do something that can be finished!
Thanks, Diane. You know I might be able to "retire" early and teach at some point. That might be a good option... I've always been more of a teacher than anything... although I do love solving hard problems.
I don't know if you remember this, but I tell everyone that you got me through college by teaching me what my professors couldn't make clear. For those of you who don't know, I am Keith's mom and we were in college at the same time. I would attend chemistry (full of math) and statistic's classes and couldn't understand a word. In the evenings, Keith would sit down with me and explain in a way that I could understand. Also, remember that you taught at the Christian school in Seguin and you really enjoyed it and from what I hear, so did the students. Are you aware that there is current proposed legislation to pay extra for people to become math, science and engineering teachers, because so few can do it? Check out Phoenix University in Arizona and get your master's degree online. It is all self-paced and with your skills it wouldn't take you more than 1-2 years. Wouldn't take you long. Then, get your PhD (perhaps locally) and get on with your gift. You don't seem to understand that the world is full of teachers and professors that are uninspiring and who can't teach a thing that the students can grasp. You are still young enough that you could become vested at a state college and have retirement benefits for you and Kim the rest of your lives. That would allow for fishing the rest of your life! Just something to think about. Love, Mom V
Thanks, mom. Well... I need to post again so you can see what a mess I am.
Post a Comment