New Year's Resolution

Went to Starbucks today. Ordered a "tall". She said, "Oh... is that your New Year's Resolution?". Then she mumbled something like, "Oh I don't believe in those... what am I saying." She seemed a bit disturbed over asking, as if it were something against her religion. Like she had committed a sin. I said, "No, just getting a 'tall'". She said, "I alway make them and can't keep them." I said, "I am gonna screw up this year. That is my resolution."

I went on, "... And if I don't keep it... well that is a screw up in itself... "

And she looked at me a bit confused.

And I went on, "I mean not keeping my resolution... I will have kept it... by not keeping it..."

She didn't get it, and didn't really want to, not that there was much to get, if anything, but out of niceness, said, head tilted, "That's deep."

And I went to my car and thought, "But if I don't screw up this year... I won't know until after the year is up... and that *might* not be a screw up... since I can't really determine it as a screw up until after the fact..."

And I drove all the way to work thinking in circles.

Then I pulled up to the guard gate. He looked at me. NOBODY was working. It was pretty much this guy, another guard and me. I never really speak to the guards, and for some reason I joked, "My New Year's resolution is to *work* this year..."

He stepped back and did this two handed pointer thing, like "Well go on in."

His stance was so funny, and he looked so unnerved that I got up to the four-way stop... and sat there and laughed under a flashing red light. For some reason, I was waiting for it to turn green.... and chuckling... While waiting I had my CD on the same song I listen to every morning when I enter the gates. It starts out "Moderate rock" and I can't understand a word after that. I don't where I picked up this tradition... but for a couple months I have done that. But it does get me juiced to sit down for the rest of the day.

Anyways... I heard a honk... and looked behind me. It was the other security guard in his mini-truck. I realized I was sitting at this flashing red light.

I thought, "Oh no. He's on his walkie-talkie. They are going to think I am drunk. He's gonna pull me over. And I know I'm going to get flustered trying to explain... I won't be able to convince them otherwise... after tests they'll know I'm sober... and then think I'm just crazy... which maybe I am... but isn't everybody crazy?" So I drove with both hands on the steering wheel.

After I parked, I went in the building and then looked out to see if he was scoping out my car. I thought he might "log" me or something. But he didn't show up.

I felt off the hook and went back to thinking about my New Year's Resolution. I honestly couldn't decide whether or not to take the plunge into a purposeful screw up... because I know myself well enough to know that I will really try to do some magnificent screw up unlike any other in my whole life.

Also, if I qualified the screw up with purposeful, I might accidentally forget to screw up... and then I would fail. I didn't like that possibility... and knew I'd probably be up at night fretting over how to screw up royally without really making a mess... and I don't think I am prepared for some freefall off a cliff.

But then I just started working and had a good day.