Today, Kim told me that whatever I did I needed to keep my job because there is absolutely nothing out there. She told me that she was there to help. I think something dawned in her brain that my job is the only thing holding the nuts and bolts in this rickety mess together.
Last week I ran out of the medicine that is supposedly helping my arms. It's been a week. The wavy red line that they put under the words I misspell look like crawling veins. Today I kept having to write the word "sim" as "simulation" so I wouldn't have to see the crawly.
Frankly, I wish I could just work in a field that was inherently sustainable. I wish the work I did matched in some way with the reality of putting food on the table, gas in the car, electricity in the light bulb. I feel like what I do is ridiculous. A lot of things seem ridiculous.
Sometimes I wish I could work in a field - like a corn field. I know that's a hellish life. I know sitting here under a fan while the AC blows on me is better. I know the chai vanilla tea in the fridge is better than an ear of corn. I don't want to milk a cow in the morning. I know it's simpler and more efficient to talk SysML all day.
I really don't understand how my work translates into food on the table. I don't understand how what I do now can support me when I can't do it anymore.
Kim told me that the coal miners worked 16 hours a day, got black lung, worked for the man and had a meaningless life --- and that I could work 8 meaningless hours, get some hurt arms, work for no meaning... and find meaning after work.
Honestly, what Kim says makes sense to me --- and makes me hopeful... for a reason I can't explain... well maybe this way - they need me to work.
PS: I'm okay, don't worry... it's heck when you stop the medication..........
5 comments:
Feeling much better this morning after a good night's sleep. I'm blogging what I probably shouldn't. Going out on the bay today.
When you don't feel well you have to learn to not listen to yourself... take what I say with a grain of salt.
Because I am in state government, I can tell you that hundreds of teaching positions are acutally being eliminated because of budget shortfalls. I think the Austin School Board is about to close 13 schools, because they are not sustainable financially (including Zilker Elementary, where Keith went and it is rated as a top-notch school). They are also about to reduce teacher benefits and maybe salaries. I think that about 8,000 state positions are about to be eliminated. I believe mine is safe, but will not know until the summer. It does look like my free insurance is gone, and I will have to pay more for Daddy's. All state salaries are frozen and I have no hope to ever get a raise. However, I feel very fortunate to have a job, insurance, and retirement (even though it will be less now that I have to pay for insurance). Some states are considering declaring bankruptsy, in order to quit paying retirees their pensions. That is the worst!!! Anyway, all in all, in this age, we are fortunate to have food and shelter! Now, son, if you would consider marketing that art of yours, you might just become rich and live happily ever after! I don't think you realize how talented you are! Mom
Closing Zilker Elementary??? I remember being nominated to be part of a group of kids to plant a tree on Arbor Day. It was in the newspaper. Maybe I should get the honor of hacking it down.
I think that a lot of what you are struggling with, researching, coding, analyzing, and agonizing over may be very useful at NASA. Don't give up hope in that...just do it anyway, whether it is or not!
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