Every so often I look back and try to understand what brought me to the point where I quit my job cold turkey with no idea of what I was going to do next - wife, kid, another coming, mortgage etc. There's a list of things that may have contributed to jumping ship, none of which were that big, but the combination of which over a period of time somehow pushed me over.
At the time, everybody was willing to fix whatever it was, only I didn't know. I did know that I couldn't see working another day. Everything in me, like some lizard-part-of-my-brain survival instinct, wouldn't let me work. There was nothing left. The thought of another meeting, another form, another issue, another call made where I couldn't even get up out of bed. It's like I was completely broken. There was no fill up.
That breakdown happened after a great work trip (and a major personal-professional accomplishment) to another NASA center in Alabama. The morning after I got back, the paperwork for the per diem, flight and all that needed to be settled. I could not do it. I couldn't do anything. I didn't expect that. I knew I needed a change, but I honestly didn't know that a dead stop was coming.
I read that after a burn out, the "burnee" sometimes *never* recovers - the "broke" stays broken. I believe that. Thankfully, I didn't completely break, but I think I'm shattered in certain ways.
I think a major driver of the whole burnout process is due to high expectations of one's self. I still have very high expectations. And now, feeling quite decent this morning, I'd almost say that the burnout might be a natural process as one finds a dead end... and struggles for a way out... and maybe the depression is when it all seems catty-cornered... and maybe the guilt is due to mixing self-fullfillment and self-preservation... thinking selfishly... balancing that with responsibility in a strange world where some are starving as you sit in bed unable to fill out a form etc...
And so it is onto business, calling one's own shots.
6 comments:
I know what you are talking about but not anywhere near the depth of what you felt it. Fortunately I am not the sole bread winner. I see Jeffrey have days where he dosen't want to get out of bed but he feels he has to because of all the people that are depending on him. I am trying to help him make changes with the business so he does not get to the place that you did. I know one thing, it is real; when you get there- you are done.
Thanks for sharing and hope that the changes help.
Yeah - That burn-out was pretty bad.
Diane - I miss you!
Actually, I miss you, too, Keith! We need a date soon!
It's good to hear from you, Kim :) I'll go visit your Facebook page :P
We could text each other! ;-)
You know, I realize too that it's not just high expectations of one's self - it's high expectations of others too... and wishing to find a better balance with others in a strange world where some are starving while I sit unable to fill out forms.
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