Even back in the 90's when it was all good I felt, from day to day, that the bottom could drop out. Larry and I talked about this last night until about 1:00am. I won't speak for him, but the gist is that there is a backdrop of worry over finances even when things are "good".
I don't think the unsettled feeling is over anything exactly rational. It's not that it's paranoia or over-worry, there is just something wrong. There isn't anything specific I can point to. I feel, I wish I would quit using the word "feel" but that's what it is... anyhow, I feel a disconnection between what I do to make ends meet, work, and what I find important in life - food, family, shelter, health, comfort, art, God etc.
The fact is, what I do for a living does bring in the food, support for the family, a house, health insurance, the comforts, the paints, the visits to the museum, the money to send to the impoverished etc.
If I were to try and do something I found "more connected" with food, say farming, I'd more than likely find myself in a hole. So what do I do? I keep this thing going that feels more like a charade - investing in a disconnected fluff thing lumped on top of "what's real".
Yesterday evening I drove to the coast. I fished off a dock for a bit then drove some more - windows down. I was thinking about the possibility of doing something different. While at "Fat Boy's Bait Shop", I found I was envious of their enterprise - a building, customers, Snicker Bars, a dock, bait, fish, smells, whirring machines... Yes, it's bad enough to where I think a bait shop is a glorious enterprise.
On second thought, I don't want a bait shop.
Maybe this is all a hangover from the "high tech" explosion. Maybe I'm just sitting and sucking off the rotting carcass of another advance - wheel, printing press, engine, electric motor, rocket, computer...
On third thought, I suppose I'll just keep working on the computer until they let me go. Just ride it until the gears completely seize - who knows maybe it'll kick for another 25 years.
Uggh.
Fishin' time???
PS: I know there is contradiction between what I'm calling fluff and what I'm calling "real". I know I need a machine to get me to the baitshop. I know the music I listened to while driving needed electronics. I know the Snicker Bar was made with lots of gears. I know information is important in any economy. I know that connection through cellphones is pretty much a good thing. I know I don't want to be foraging for roots in the creek. I know there is a reason humankind has moved up from chasing wild animals in packs and living in caves.
I don't know what I'm saying... maybe I'm just saying I feel real uncomfortable with it all.
And maybe what I mean is if "there is a backdrop of worry over finances even when things are "good"" --- I'd like something to do about it... I feel like all I can do is sit there and twiddle a few more bits on the computer.
I don't sit at the mercy of rain, wind and fire --- I'm at the mercy of this weird system that we've made.
